The Vasectomy Policy's Effects on One Family (originally posted 2/2/2010)...

No good reason.

Wahiawa, Hawaii - 1982

RW came to Hawaii for a visit, bringing along a couple other people. Right now I can't remember who accompanied him, but they were on their way to the Philippines. It was during this visit that RW broached the subject of Ministers getting a vasectomy. I believe there were a couple of ministers who recently had this procedure done. RW was teasing one of them about what had happened. While RW was talking, I heard my name mentioned and these words, "Well Deb doesn't want any kids". I later approached Rick and asked him why I was mentioned? When Rick told me about the conversation, and he mentioned "vasectomy" I didn't know what the word meant. Then he explained what the procedure was.

Before Rick and I got married I told him I didn't want children, and if we did.... I wanted to wait for a long time. Later on when RW began preaching against having kids in the ministry, I became more against it. During the time it was being preached there were some ladies who were pregnant (Diana Taylor and Mary Gesang). It was preached at Conferences that certain women were going to be judged and answer to God, for ruining their husband's ministry. The ladies were terrified, living under this condemnation. Other women who become pregnant during the '80's were fearful of telling RW. Instead of this being a joyous time they were crying, and the husbands were upset at what they were going to hear from the Leadership. A pregnant director's wife in the Servicemen's home was a no-no (because you're destroying the work). It was easier to move you around if you didn't have any kids. I felt terrible for my friend (and others) who had to go through this.

During RW's stay the vasectomy issue was brought up a few more times. So the seed had been planted in our minds. RW may say "I didn't make you do it", but the power of suggestion coming from such a man held power. Since we were young and impressionable he could merely suggest something and we'd all comply. He'd say I'd like to have this, and how many husbands would rush out and buy it for him? He himself said he stopped saying he liked this or that, cause he knew the next day someone would buy it for him. Everyone wanted to please him, isn't this what we were taught, to take care of the man of God? I know it will be said "You did this, you take the responsibility for what you did, don't put the blame on Pastor Davis". Yes, I accept the responsibility that we did it, and my response to you is this wouldn't have even happened if RW had not brought up this topic, had not made this policy.

Rick and I had been married for 4 years by this time, and the thought of having a vasectomy had never entered our minds. After the topic was brought up I now had some stupid excuses why it would be great if Rick got the vasectomy, but none were serious enough for him to take that next big step. But, we talked about it and eventually decided to do it, or I should say Rick was the one who went under the knife. Sometime later (I don't remember the year) RW and family came to Hawaii on their way to the Philippines. They left Tanya in our charge, and would pick her up on their return flight to Washington State. At this time we had our hands full with a house full of servicemen, and two young women who were unabashed flirts. Tanya was dating MC Kekel at the time but you'd never know it, the way she acted around the guys.

Rick asked Tanya when Mike was going to get a vasectomy? Tanya's reply was Mike wasn't getting one. When Rick asked why not she replied, "It's different when it's your own kid (RW Davis kid)". This blew Rick's mind (as it should have), and he couldn't believe what he was hearing! He was furious (understandably). He fought this battle till the day he left the Organization. When he told me I also couldn't believe it. What could I say, the damage had been done. I told him well maybe we could adopt when we decide to start a family. We looked into adopting while in the Philippines but it was too costly, and the laws had changed. We had even looked into it while we were visiting in Korea, and their laws had just changed. His vasectomy could not be reversed because of the way the procedure was done to make it more effective.

Every so often RW would make a remark about saving things for his "grandson" in front of Rick. This caused him such terrible anguish that he'd cry. It got to the point that Rick would step out of the room whenever the conversation about having a grandson would come up.

The Straw that broke the camel's back:

The news about Tanya's pregnancy caused a wave of baby fever throughout the Organization. Many ladies followed suit and became pregnant. All of a sudden it was okay, there was no preaching against women having babies. But to those in Servicemen's work it was still not looked upon favorably. To those who had gotten snipped it was no longer an option. If the Servicemen's Director's wife became pregnant she was considered damage goods, now she couldn't do her work, and now there was a child to pay attention to. How could you destroy the work! Childless couples could easily be moved, but a couple with kids was better off in a civilian church. In the early years they had no choice but to use Servicemen's Directors with children. As the bible school grew now they could take them out and replace them.

While in Okinawa, we received a card from Tanya. When Rick opened the card and read it he came undone! It was Grant's birth announcement! I arrived home from grocery shopping to find him weeping in our bedroom. I thought someone in his family died, I was shook up. He handed me the card and said "How could they do this knowing how I feel about it!?" He said "Am I just supposed to overlook this and be happy for them!?" I tried my best to console him, but to no avail. He was the only one who could work through his conflicting emotions. I told him to talk to Pastor, tell him just how you feel, and he can help you through this. Am I right wives? Isn't this what you would have told your husband? But, Rick wasn't keen to the idea; he said it won't do any good. I thought surely the man of God (RW) will have compassion and give him words of comfort. I was at my wits end because I didn't know how to help him, except by praying for him.

Well, the opportunity came, when RW and some ministers came for an Asian Conference in Okinawa. It was after Conference was over and they'd be leaving on Monday. I told Rick let's talk to Pastor about this, since he's here; he'll understand, and he can help you through this.....BOY WAS I EVER WRONG! Our confidence in RW was shattered that day. A lamb was wounded, literally crying out for help, and he further harmed it by his words.

When Rick told him why we were there and that he was having a problem about the vasectomy issue, RW's reaction was so quick, so aggressive, that it stunned us. He raised his voice and said "I didn't make you do it; Deb said she didn't want kids, you and her made that decision!" I guess our reaction to his outburst showed on our faces, because RW caught himself and lowered the tone of his voice. Rick didn't go any further, and covered up his emotions by changing the subject. But I knew this was the end of the relationship between them. RW was like a father to him, he'd been a mentor to Rick since Rick was 12, and Rick was in his 30's by this time. Instead of getting help all he got was a loud, boisterous, condescending voice aggressively coming at him.

When we got home Rick said to me "I told you so! (as he should have)" If you can't go to your Pastor, who is the caretaker of your soul, then who else can you turn to? Wouldn't it have been easier for RW to say "I'm sorry this has caused you so much pain; let me help you through this". Why didn't RW own up to his mistake, or was this a trial-run of how to get people to do what you want? Over the years I have seen patterns in RW’s conduct that have negatively affected people's lives. Whatever RW is doing always has a domino effect. Rick started introducing the vasectomy subject to others. I was furious, and told him why are you mentioning this? It will cause too many problems, just leave it alone. As the years passed Rick became more bitter and wanted nothing to do with Graham, Washington. He hung out with them only when he had to. But his heart was not there anymore.

The Rule was no children under the age of 16 could stay on the Campground:

There was also another rule for smaller children, they could not attend the services because of the lakes (they didn't want any small kids drowning). After Tanya had Grant he could not stay on the Camp, so they stayed up the road at "Hannah's Pig Farm". Many people went up there to see the baby, including myself. I was asked if I had gone yet, and I said I would, so as not to be conspicuous. I was hesitant about going, because of what happened to Rick. It was mentioned at the “Lodge”, to the folks staying there, not to talk about Grant in front of Rick. After Rick left the Organization the rules changed. All of a sudden it was okay for Grant (still underage) to stay on the Campground. Yet, this rule was still in effect for everyone else’s family (no children under 16 allowed to stay on the Campground).

I told you various people get special privileges, when it's family the rules change for them. RW often said he made the rules and he can change them. It's so sad that so many times it caused battles for people. But their answer to people having battles over certain issues is "They that love the law of the Lord nothing shall offend them" or “If you don't like it there's the door.”

Deborah